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Seriously, People, Don't Trust Cafeteria Lobster

Lobster Bib.

I'm going to try hard to get through this post without cursing.

Seriously, people, don't trust cafeteria lobster.

Just...don't. So, for example, if you show up to the cafeteria at the National Education Association and see they're serving a lobster lunch for $12.95, just walk away.

They ARE pretty puny lobsters.

Don't be enticed by the delicious scent of steamed shellfish, or distracted by the sunlight glinting off the drawn butter. Don't mull over the inevitable side dishes of warm, crusty bread rolls and tangy cole slaw. Don't think of lobster feasts past, your youth in Maine, or learning to pick a lobster clean from your grandfather.


Instead, ask yourself the following questions: 

  • Why in the name of all that is good and holy are they serving a delicacy like lobster in a cafeteria setting? 
  • How did they get their paws on this quantity of lobsters?
  • Were these lobsters REALLY alive and fresh, bathing in seawater on their trip south from Maine?
  • Really, NEA cafeteria? Really?

Here's what you should do:

  • Steal a bib and wear it at work.
Yes, I know it's fuzzy. But so am I, a bit.

FINAL THOUGHT: They were giving people CRAB MALLETS with the lobsters. PEOPLE.


Seriously, PEOPLE.

I cannot be more emphatic.

You do NOT -- I repeat, you do NOT -- use CRAB MALLETS for LOBSTERS.

You use your hands, like an American. Or, you use a lobster cracker.

But not a crab mallet.

This message brought to you by America and that eagle, which is not a bald eagle, which is weird.



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Reader Comments (3)

This post is hilarious.

Only you, my dear.

August 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterSuburban Sweetheart

Your comment gave me a huge smile =)

August 24, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterHungry Sam

This blog should be renamed "Ranting Sam" if things continue at this pace. Get back in the kitcken where Sams belong! Seriously...

August 31, 2011 | Unregistered CommenterKevin

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